Behavior
 

Recently one of my friend told me that I'm passive aggressive. I didn't notice i earlier. But once she mentioned it, I have been thinking about it.

I wonder at what point it goes overboard.

Someone politely told me that as well. I didn't know what it meant but I looked it up. I do it all the time. That's why I had to stop posting opinions on the forum and now I only post facts. (Mostly.) I'm more interested in retaining members here than pushing them away, so I don't tell them when they are wrong anymore.

Lol, this was probably passive aggressive too.

I don't know when it goes overboard. Can it?

Why MerciAlizee......what ever brought this topic up???? For you newer members who aren't that familiar with MA, Ben I believe was the founder of this forum or if not the founder, he ran it for several years during which he absorbed most of the cost of running it. He still owns the server and though I think me and Lefty are paying most of the cost of running this forum, I wouldn't be surprised if he's still paying some of the costs.

There came a time where Ben grew too busy to run the forum, so he turned over that role to Merci Alizée. Why Merci Alizee? Well for a few reasons. First he was very knowledgeable about her the way Ray is today. He was the go to guy if you had a question about her. But the main reason was because he had great values in him. Respected everyone; never lost his temper; Seldom had a word of criticism for members or Alizee.

Aaronius13 was another great member to come along. Such a young member to have the great values he had was unusual to find. Him and MA really helped shape this forum. If MA is aggressive in any way, you wouldn't know it by his actions in this forum.

Now as far as me, I'm probably the easiest going guy in the world, but if you do me wrong.....look out. I'll give you a for instance. Last june I hurt my shoulder at work. We were trying to open up a back half of an engine . We unlatched the bottom section, then use a hydraulic hand pump to open them. Well these 'reversers' were stuck. We were walking around the engine to figure out how to get them unstuck when one let go and hit me on top of my shoulder, rupturing my rotator cuff. I had surgery in august.

So I was out a month after the operation; went back for a month of desk duty; now I'm back out. During that desk duty time, there was a night where the next morning, out of 15 departures, there were 12 delays (long story). Usually at the most we have 3 delays. So they had a meeting the next night trying to fix blame.

At that time, we had 5 guys who were either out or on some form of light duty such as me. One of these managers tried to place the blame for these injuries happening on the individuals themselves, saying they didn't follow procedures properly and maybe some of them didn't; I didn't know the particulars, but this is such a complicated job with so many rules and regulations, making that type of general accusation is unfair. So when he first accused this group of basically self inflicting their injuries, I let it pass. Then later off in the meeting, he brought if up again. This time I yelled back at him "Did I cause my injury????...Was there a procedure in the manual I didn't follow?.

Now I could've said that in a calm tactful voice, but I didn't. I yelled at the guy in a way that could've gotten me in trouble and this is a manager I like; an ex-marine who I have a lot of respect for. That's probably the first time the mechanics I work with have heard me yell at someone, because like I said; I'm probably the easiest going guy in there. But do me wrong and look out. It's not often I get that way, but when it happens, it isn't pretty.

I'll expand more on about other things that have happened in here, later in the week and believe me, I'm in no way defending it or saying it's right. It's just the way I am.

I didn't know what that being passive aggressive means. Just like Ray, I looked it up and started connecting it with what I do and now I know that many of my friends feel so and I realize why they say so.

I am not very expressive and I don't yell at anyone. Only time I did that in last few years was when a cab driver misbehaved with my friend. I do get angry and I somehow find it difficult to express my disappointment or dislike even in polite way. But then I try to ignore them or do something by which they realize indirectly I am not happy.

Now I think it happens too many times.

Well MA, the fact that you are concerned about it tells me you are a good person... Much better than I am. Maybe we expect too much that other people behave the way we want them to? Do you make 'rules' for yourself of the best way things should be done and then get frustrated when you can't convince others of how good your methods are? I am curious to know if that happens to you, because it does to me.

Here's a fun story about how it goes at work. I will notice that things seem to go better when it's easy to find equipment. So I return equipment to it's place when I'm finished with it. When someone else doesn't I ask them why and tell them it makes it easier for everyone else. They ignore me. My boss might make a rule like 'Everyone must label the keys when they first touch them, even if the person before them forgot.' So he never is responsible for labeling keys, but everyone else is. He makes his problem everyone's problem rather than being responsible for himself. I don't mind a rule that everyone follows. I ignore that rule myself though. When someone else doesn't follow it it's because they forgot. When I don't follow it, it's intentional. Work is so much fun. In reality though after so many years working together we are all friends and just get the work done. I haven't been involved in any big arguments at work since I discovered Alizée. Thanks Alizée!

Yeah, it is just like I recently said to Ray: Tolerance is a virtue in man.
Maybe you guys should contemplate about it, a little more often than usual. ;)

Well MA, I can only speak of my experience here on this forum, but you have been one of the nicest and easiest people to work with. You are smart, rational, thoughtful, and very capable and reliable. I consider myself fortunate to know you, even if it is only within the context of this forum.

I don't get frustrated when I can't convince others of my methods. I rarely bother much about how anyone else is doing something. I may have opinion about it, but unless they specifically ask me, I don't interfere.

Edit:

Thank you Lefty, I guess many other people think so, but that has never been issue.

One of my senior guy at work told me that I'm way too soft spoken.

Here is what I read on wikipedia about passive aggressive behavior

Like I said earlier, I do get angry like everyone else. But I'm rarely able to express that in front of a person. Most of the time I fail to react instantly. But then cooling off period is long and my expression of disappointment is indirect. Earlier I used to think that no one realizes it, but now I know almost everyone knows that I'm not happy with my sudden behavior change.

I'll give an example. In 2014, I asked a friend for help and she refused citing a very stupid reason. Instead of directly telling her that it was not good on her part, I just ignored although I was not happy at all.

Then few weeks later I helped her during college project and when she got appreciation from her teacher, she was very excited, she called me and told me about. While she was very joyous and was explaining everything, I just ok and disconnected the call. She was surprised that I was so cold at that time.

I guess I have been doing this quite regularly now.

The incident which I mentioned in OP happened when I almost ruined a friend's birthday with my cold behavior just because I didn't like something earlier and carried on disappointment till that day. That's when I was labelled as passive aggressive guy :))

There are too many people out there who've had maybe a couple of courses in psychology or maybe none, but think they are Sigmund Freud. They are quick to put labels on others when that trait probably indicates there is something wrong with themselves.

I was reading about the subject and one thing they said that the psychologist needs to establish with their patient is a relationship that demands openness, honesty and intimacy (not of the sexual kind). Is that something we have with anyone in our lives? I'm sure no one in my life, knew 'all' the important details of my life; even my ex. I also read that every person is unique.


That's why it usually takes several long sessions for a psychologist to try and get to know you, so don't listen to some wanna be shrink. They should probably spend more time analyzing themselves than they do others.