Quote:
Originally Posted by espire
It's absolutely a combination of genetic and environmental factors. If we really wanted to, we could make boys grow up more like women, and make girls grow up more like men, with regard to beliefs and behaviours. Why bother with such a thing, though? The gender gap is a lovely thing.
D'ailleurs, you could do with less clichés in your formal writing. In addition to that, possibly more important, you should never use quotations unless you're quoting something, or referring to the word rather than its meaning. "Testosterone" isn't something that somebody said, it's a hormone, it doesn't need quotes. "Average" is the same, as is "usually". In general, you should pick up the formality. Rather than "I find this funny", try "This is unusual" and the like.
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I agree with Espire. Also, too many of your statements come across as speculation or opinion on your part. You should qualify your statements by following up with one or two concrete examples based on established fact. If you are going to refer to areas of knowledge such as biochemistry and genetics to make your case, make sure you have a working knowledge of these disciplines, at least to the extent that they affect your subject. Your paper comes across somewhat as armchair speculation, not rooted in any true research on the subject.
If I was your professor grading your paper, I would be asking, “How does he know that?” after each statement you make (if it is not considered a generally known and accepted fact). If that question is left unanswered in your paper, then I would disqualify the statement. By the time I got through your paper, there wouldn’t be much left to your argument.
Of course I don’t know exactly what the purpose of the assignment was. If you are supposed to write a convincing argument on the topic, then I stand by what I said above.
If the assignment is to just write how you feel on the subject, then I would change the tone of the writing. Instead of sounding like you are trying to make a case for your position, word it more like it is your personal feelings on the subject.
I think that if you look over your paper with these things in mind, you will be able to make some improvements and thus get a better grade. Of course my suggestions are just my opinion and hopefully more people will comment and give you ideas. (Where is Deepwaters?
I think everyone here is pulling for you to do well in college and any criticism or suggestions are meant in that spirit.