[RedRafe]

Salut!

And Hi…


J'espère que tout le monde va bien, et avoir une bonne journée…
I hope that everyone is well, and having a good day…

Dang…

“Negativity” and the “dark side” are strong in this “place”, this weekend, lots of “ruffled feathers” in “unexpected” places.

Definitely some kind of “imbalance” occurring.

Not good…

Anyhow, where was I, oh yeah…

Originally Posted by Mr Coucou

.It made me realize that I was good and that people liked me. --- sounds she like has serious issues with either depression, low self-esteem, or both.

So, the “depression” and “low self esteem” areas…

Hmm, “low self-esteem”…

Well, I looked at Alizee's description of her “childhood” and “school years”, and can “empathize” 100%, for that was “me”, to a ‘T”.

The differences being, (apart from being “male”), that in my case I was a “tall skinny, kind of “dog faced” kid” with huge “asymmetric ears”, (not small and cute with “Harry Potter” specs), I was not even of “modest means”, (we were really just utterly damn poor), and my “refuge” was in “books”, (“Science Fiction”; “Sword & Sorcery”; and; “History”, as in “Ancient Greece”, “Rome”, “Feudal Japan”, and “WW2”), and not “dancing”.

And, I was “Scottish” and maybe just a wee bit more “militant” in my outlook.

From about the age of 5, right through to about the age of 17, it was the same “refrain”: “Big ears”, “Skinny”, “Ugly”; “Dumbo”, on and on, day after day, year after year, ad nauseam.

You name a “hurtful” “big ears” quip, and yep, I’ve probably heard it, and could probably show you some you haven’t heard.

The thing about stuff like that, is that, like “mud”, if you throw enough of it at somebody, it eventually sticks, consciously or otherwise, and you kind of start to “internalize” it, whether you realize it or not,

Anyhow, the schools that I attended were in a slightly more “affluent” area, and that, in itself presented some more “problems”, for I was the “token poor ugly kid”, with a very high IQ, that ended up being “stuck” in classes with the very privileged, very bright “golden children”.

Why not just “paint” a damn “target” on my head…

So to the previous list of: “Big ears”, “Skinny”, “Ugly”; “Dumbo”, etc, add “Poor”, “underprivileged”, “stupid”, (“Heh”, I was “brighter” than them all “put together”), and, “uncouth”.

As time went on, and I got older, the “teasing” got more “physical”, until it almost became a “sport”. If you wanted to impress the “in crowd”, you would pick on the “weak”, the “nerds”, the “loners”, and if you pleased them enough, if you “entertained” them enough, you would get to be a “favored pet”, one of their “accepted ““hanger ons”.

Guess where my place was in this “hierarchy”?

Right at the “bottom” in the “loners” category, but, the “bullying” thing did not really work with me, for I was slightly bigger than “usual”, for my age.

So yes, I would get a very frequent “beating”, but it would take about 6 of them to do it, and none would walk away “unmarked”, and, my little “knightly” self, (I read waay too much “Sword & Sorcery” stuff) would not let this stand “unavenged”, so I would track them down “one on one”, “one by one”, and “beat the tar out” of them, so a kind of “vicious cycle” was formed, until they learned to just “leave me alone”, for it really was not worth the “pain” and “hassle”.

Occasionally, one of the “”in” clique”, or one of the “Jocks”, would get “upset” at me, for messing with their “minions”, and would “descend from on high”, to publicly “chastise” my “unpopular”, “uncouth” self for my “misdeeds”, and they would face the very same results, to the same “effect”. They learned the “hard way” too.

Eventually, they would just publicly “puff up”, and “threaten”, and I would give them that “strange” little smile of mine, that shows just a little bit too much “canine”, and we would both go our separate ways, with “honor” satisfied, it was better than getting into yet another pointless fight.

With regard to “friends”, they were always “few”, and “far between”, just more “broken”, “misfit toys”, but you will find that you bring enough of these “lost”, “broken”, “misfit” toys together, they usually create something wonderful, and so it was.

I truly hated my school years with a “passion”, they were a “small slice of Hell”, but I met some utterly wonderful friends there, that helped “light the darkness”, and make it just the “tiniest” bit bearable.

Ah, and mustn’t forget “Family” in this equation.

With respect to mine, my Father was a very abusive “alcoholic”, which made him an “absolute joy” to live with, if you had any “victories” or “triumphs” in life, then they were instantly “belittled”, and, “nullified”, and, god forbid if you “failed” or “messed up”, for you would hear about this for years, and years… and years.

Oh, and why couldn’t I be “normal”, like the other “boys”.

Hmm, “normal”, as in the “style” of the typical local “NED” that frequented my “delightful” neighborhood, y’mean “normal” as in go out and get drunk, break into other peoples “houses” and “cars”, rob “drunks”, and “beat up” helpless old people.

Nooo, that was never going to be me, I’d rather have died, first.

Oh, did I forget to mention that I came from a “nice” area of Scotland?!

So, low self esteem, yeps, I may have that. I don’t need enemies, for my greatest enemy, my “Ultimate Nemesis”, is “myself”.

It causes me to “second guess” myself, anything I ever do, is never ever “good enough”, and I have absolutely no concept of “self worth” whatsoever, but there is a “but” to this.

The “but” is, that these “scars”, these “traits”, drove me forward in life to “achieve”, to “evolve”, to “grow”, to try and find the “better” me.

And the lack of “self worth”, well, in my “vocation”, it was an utterly positive “boon”, a very rare “gift”.

Y’know these places that “fools rush into, and Angels fear to tread” in, well, these places have “dark places” in them, that even “absolute imbeciles”, and “Archangels”, just won’t “mess” with, and if you look into these “darker places”, you will see “even darker”, “dark places”, that even “demi-gods” will have nothing to do with, and, If you looked into these places, you might have seen me, “snurgling” about, taking “pictures”, getting “soil” samples, making “maps”.

It was not something that someone who valued themselves “highly” could do without a lot of “fear”, and “trepidation”.

So, at the “end of the day”, these “scars”, caused by “apparent” “low self esteem”, in “childhood”, “made” me who I am today, helped me to “evolve” in life, “drove” me “onward”, helped me to achieve what I “desired”, and gave me the “strength” to do, what had to be done, when it needed to be done, to get to where I wanted to be.

<sigh>

Now look at Alizee, and her “childhood”, and her apparent “low self esteem”, and "apply" the little paragraph, just above, to it.

It gave her the “strength”, the “drive”, the “power”, the “thirst”, to “reach” for, and “grasp” her “dream”, and make it “hers”, make it “real”.

Before you even dare, contemplate criticizing her for this “low self esteem”, or think about “voicing” an “unfounded” opinion, “walk a mile in her shoes”, as she was then, and then “walk another couple of miles in them”, and look at what she “achieved”, and then appreciate the sheer “guts”, “tenacity”, and “sacrifice” that it took to achieve her “objectives”.

Still think she is some kind of little, “weak”, “inadequate”, “broken”, “ugly duckling”, hmm???

The “ugly duckling”, was actually a “Cygnet”, that turned into a very “rare”, “wonderful”, “beautiful Swan”, that is, and always will be, “one of a kind”.

And that “long, skinny, big eared, “dog faced”” Scottish “mongrel pup”, well, he joined the “Armed Forces”, and, by the time he was 21, he had evolved into a “Werewolf”, and simply “vanished”, as was “appropriate’, for that was his “vocation”, to “see”, but not to be “seen”.

Was/is still kinda "dog faced" though...

<sigh>

“Low self esteem”, is not a “curse”, it’s not a “mental illness”, there actually is no “stigma” attached to it, contrary to what many people would like to believe, or attribute to it, rather it tends to be a “result”, a “product” of our “life experiences”, usually “negative” or “unsavory” ones, and they can be “healed”, with “love”, with “understanding”, with “positive regard”, and with just general “TLC”, “tender, loving, care”.

And the “occasional”, and “appropriately” “aimed” and “timed” “boot to the arse”, when required…

I think “herself” has all of these “items” at her disposal, in “unlimited quantities”, “personified” in the man that is at her side.

“Right person”, “right place”, “right time”, she only has to “summon the courage”, to let him in, and that can be very hard, but oh so very “worth it”.

Anyhow, enough of this…

We are all “broken”, in some sort of “similar” way, whether we like to admit it, or not, or simply are not perceptive enough to see it, it is there.

You know the old saying, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”, well, on you go, get “throwing”, and lets “amend” that to “Let he who is “perfect” cast the first stone”, and yet again, on you go, get throwing.

I don’t expect to see any “stones thrown”, for none of us are “sinless” or “perfect”, and, as for “fingers pointed at”, really…

I wear my “childhood scars” with a strange sort of “pride’, for I “survived” it, and it helped to “form” the person that I am now, and contrary to what many would like to believe, (including myself), he is apparently not a bad person at all, might actually be pretty damn decent actually, so I have been told.


We “both” survived.


We “all” survived.