I need advice

[Killian]

Okay, so I have a friend. I was with him yesterday, first time seeing him after two months. I used to get along with him very well, but we didn't have much contact over the summer.

Now when I get back I find out that he has taken up smoking and drinking and has made a few, shall we say, "questionable" new friends.

I don't really mind the fact that he smokes or drinks, as long as he doesn't do it around me.

I did, however, tell him I thought it was ridiculous to succumb to peer pressure, and allow himself to be brought into to smoking. I explained to him my disagreements over this, trying not to be over-bearing, and told him I thought it was stupid to reduce his health for no reason other than to be "cool". He even began to claim he has gotten fitter since he has started, and that he isn't a heavy smoker and only smokes 10 cigarettes a day.

He promised not to smoke around me so I thought that was okay, after he finished the one that started the argument. But, then, over the course of the day, he continued to smoke in front of me. When I pulled him up on this, he merely shrugged, and said he'd stop now. But he kept going. I kept stating my discomfort with it. I was even starting to feel sick from the second hand smoke. When I asked him why he didn't just stop, he said the dreaded "I can stop whenever I want". I feel I have lost all respect for him, which is a pity because he used to be the same type of person as me, but he has changed...

I have plenty of other friends, who don't do it, but he was one of the closer ones.

I am so confused about what to do. I know talking to him won't work, but I don't know if I can be around him when he smokes. What would you do in my shoes?

(Bear in mind that I have no experienced in alcohol or smoking, and am a young pioneer (I swore off abusive substances until I am 18, it's a Catholic thing in Ireland), so I can't fully understand why he is acting this way).

[Deepwaters]

How much time were you spending together? Nicotine is addicting. A smoker begins to get withdrawal symptoms if they don't smoke every few hours. My first guess is that your friend is a nicotine addict and is in denial about it, hence the promises that he wouldn't smoke around you and the old "I can quit any time" thing. 10 cigs a day is a full-fledged addiction, btw.

His claim that he's become fitter since he started smoking might be true if he was overweight before, because nicotine is an appetite suppressant and helps people lose weight. (Not worth it, though.) In other ways, of course, the health hazards of smoking are horrible. Yes, he should quit, but you can't just tell someone that.

Could you handle it if he goes outside to light up? That way you wouldn't get the second-hand smoke. If not, you may need to decide whether you can keep this guy as your friend.

[Killian]

Well, the thing is he is in complete denial. His argument was pathetic though. "The people who introduced me smoke more than me, therefore, I'm not an addict, they are".
We were only together about 6 hours before I decided enough was enough and just left. He went about an hour without one, but that was the longest.
No, he was he was skinnier than me (more fat but less muscle), and wasn't exactly a marathon runner, but he was okay. That's why I believe his claim to be false.

I don't know the thing is I'm losing respect for him. I do hate smoking (it has, literally, been the death of a few relatives), and I hate the feeling of second-hand smoke. But he is 16, and knows the dangers. I can understand someone who started smoking when they knew less about it, but in this day and age... I don't know he's just changed...

[Matrix]

Everybody has to face this situation one of these days. I had an old friend who went to the "dark side" and I dropped him like a hot brick. People make choices and as you grow older you need to make choices too

You either distance yourself from people you don't approve of or you hang with them, your choice... but there are consequences.

My father gave me some sound advice a long time ago... he told me..

Choose your friends, don't let people choose you. In other words YOU pick out who you want to be around.

If you are really close to your friend and feel like he is a brother to you then fight for him and try to get him to change his ways. Once you have exhausted all avenues including an "intervention" ,.. well then you can say to yourself.... I tried and move on with your life

[neoteny]

no doubt smokings bad fer you and drinking beer is bad fer you, unfortunately its just something some people enjoy doing. like myself. as for your friend doin it cause of peer pressure well thats...unfortunate. unless you somehow come up with an ingenious/clever way to make your friend quit its pretty much out of ur hands. i didnt start smoking til i was 20. didnt start drinking til i was 22. my advice? just be there.

[nurvonic]

is this friend of yours different just because he smokes, or is it the "questionable friends" who make him different?

being a smoker myself, i can tell you that doesnt make me a different person. i would still be the same person i am now if i didnt smoke(smoking is good for you btw..just kidding). i gave into peer pressure pretty easily because i was young and dumb at the time. im still young and dumb, and i wish i never picked it up. as stated, its a very addicting drug, and i think a miracle is the only thing that would make me stop. as for smoking in front of people: i always go outside when i smoke and rarely smoke indoors. i know second hand smoke sucks, cuz i experienced that with my dad when i was growing up. i would always leave the room if i smelled that shit, which is probably the best thing you can do. smokers will smoke no matter how much you bitch about it. i know this because, again, im a smoker. i can still run like an olympian though.

[Killian]

Well, Ireland is like New York and California, no smoking indoors, so it isn't really that...
It is more the questionable friends, which I wouldn't mind so much because I don't have to hang out with them, but the smoking just serves as a reminder to how he changed.
An example of this change, I asked if he wanted to do something today (alluding towards an indoor activity, such as the cinema, so as to avoid the smoking), but he was going to a party which began at 10am and finished at 6pm, because a girl's parents trusted her enough to leave her home alone. There are alcoholic's that don't start that early. He even asked me if there were ways to avoid letting his parent's know he had been drinking...

I don't know, I've started to think I'll have to stop hanging out with him, as I said I have friends who don't act like this, and I would prefer to hang out with them at the moment, he was just a best friend for a while. And, he is in my class, so that could be quite awkward.

Also to nurvonic, sorry I came across so strong on the whole smoking point. It's just as I said I have had relatives die because of it.

[OGRE]

Originally Posted by Killian

(Bear in mind that I have no experienced in alcohol or smoking, and am a young pioneer (I swore off abusive substances until I am 18, it's a Catholic thing in Ireland), so I can't fully understand why he is acting this way).

Good for you. Stick with it! I'm 44. I dont' drink. I don't Smoke. I never have. It's a personal choice, albiet a good part of that choice is I've seen the immense pain and destruction they can cause and have pretty much made up my mind long ago not to fall into that trap.

On the flip side, I don't begrudge those who do as long as they do so responsibly; this actually applies to ANY ACTIVITY (not just smoking or drinking). I have several friends who smoke and drink. Some do so responsibly. Others do so destructively. The latter is very painful to watch....even to this day.

All that said, I have some simple rules that all my good smoking and drinking friends find OK. In my house, there is no smoking or drinking. I do allow smoking out front. When I'm at their house, they can smoke and drink...although I have found many to limit their smoking in my presence as a coutesy.

If you still like this person as a friend, then find activities that either limit smoking/drinking (going to a movie), or find activities where the impact is bearable (e.g., outside activities for smoking). If they are addicted, you're likely not going to get them to stop. So you will have to find a happy middle ground.

Also, watch closely and determine if your friend is "responsible" in smoking and especially drinking; again, this would apply to any habit where the chance of destructive behaviour can manifest itself. A responsible person maintains their character (for the most part) during such habits.

If the habit leads to destructive behaviour, then you must be wary. You may be a friend to help them "get straight", but all too often you become collateral damage.

In a nutshell: If they are responsible, try to find common ground. If they are destructive, it might be a better idea to distance yourself. People change...some for better...some for worse.

[Ali]

Originally Posted by Killian

He even began to claim he has gotten fitter since he has started, and that he isn't a heavy smoker and only smokes 10 cigarettes a day.

Lol. Only 10 cigarettes a day, looks to me like he is a full blown addict on nicotine.

Anyways, I personally don't smoke or drink and never will and I hate it when people smoke in front of me. I personally would tell him one or two more times to change his ways, if he doesn't really do things that you tell him to do that annoys you (i.e. smoking in front of you), then I will probably leave him to be with his "questionable friends". A friend is not a friend that keeps on doing things that are annoying to you especially when it comes to smoking which can have very dangerous health hazards.

[OGRE]

Originally Posted by Ali

A friend is not a friend that keeps on doing things that are annoying to you.

One must be careful to distinguish the difference between a friend who does something to annoy you and a friend who does something that you find annoying. Friends don't typically do things to annoy their friends (except the rare practical joke), but friends will often do things (or have characterisics or personality traits) that you find annoying. A friend who keeps doing things to annoy you will ultimately lose the friendship. However, the ability to overlook and adapt to a friend's annoyances is a critical aspect of establishing and maintaining a friendship. And I dare say, when it comes to marriage, this ability is a critical part of a long and lasting relationship. Friendhip (including marriage) is not defined by what you have in common, but in how you accommodate your uncommon differences.