The New Napoleon Movie

[Marshal Davout]

I haven't seen the movie; so my comments are perhaps premature ! But just from the trailor of the film, I don't think I like it ! Fist of; if you are doing a movie about the life of Napoleon; you have to have at least a Young Napoleon and an Old Napoleon; but better yet, also a Middle-aged Napoleon. No matter how good an actor Joaquin Phoenix is; he can't play all the roles ! They needed to find some French actors to play the other roles, I think ! Ridley Scott the director says this isn't history; but a Psycho analysis of Napoleon; but it seems to fail there and merely ends up showing like cliches of Napoleon ! For excitement sakes they show Napoleon leading a Cavalry charge; but being an artillery officer, Napoleon never led one anywhere ! As a commander of an Army he had cavalry officers to lead those charges; such as Murat at the battle of Aboukir. ( having been an amateur Historian, I know a little bit about Napoleon ). So the movie seems to fail completely as an Analysis of Napoleon, also .
Napoleon was obviously a Genius; wrote the French Code Napoleon Law, and innovated many tactics and formations, such as the army Corps, which is used up to the present ! So the movie Fails in many areas, it seems.

[Marshal Davout]

Now, In Old Time France there was once born a man who was really ugly. sort of like the Mexican Danny Trejo in the movie "Machete", but I digress. Now the man was so ugly he could not get a job in a shop, because the customers would run away from him ! And he couldn't get an inside job , because the other employees didn't want to work with him ! So the poor man ended up on the street as a Beggar; because that was all he could do ! And another man took pity on him and taught him how to read and write, but he could still not get a job and so he ended up on the streets of Paris ! Now it happened that Josephine was a great beauty in her time as Cute and Beautiful as our Alizee ! And she had many suitors; one of which was Beauharnais, the noble ! And he plied her with many Gifts, Gourmandises, Jewelry, Perfume, Flowers, Vases, Scarfs, etc. So finally Josephine agreed to marry him ! And so she became Josephine Beauharnais, married to a Noble. But she didn't realize that he was slightly Nuts; because he regarded her as a Possession; so he kept her locked in his Mansion and never let her out except with him ! But he had to take ship to the west indies to take care of his plantations; so he locked her in the house and forbade her to leave till he got back ! But as soon as he was gone; Josephine and her maids picked the lock on the house and had the lock replaced, so she could go out in Paris and see the people and go to the shops.
Now Young Bonaparte was an artillery officer; but the army was not regularly paid by the ministers or the king; so officers and men were always getting part time jobs until someone decided to pay them !
And so it was one day, when Josephine was at a street cafe; that some ruffians were accosting her and her maids; when Napoleon happened along, so he drove off the ruffians with his sword. So Josephine, seeing an opportunity, asked him if he would escort her around Paris in return for lunch and dinner sometimes. This was easy duty; so Bonaparte readily agreed. And since Napoleon was an army officer , he was allowed to carry a Sword and a Pistol, so nobody would bother them !
Now it happened; as they went about the city; they would sometimes pass the Beggar in the streets; and Josephine, being a nice Girl, a Nice Woman, like our Alizee, would say "Napoleone, Give the Poor Man a Franc !": And Napoleon would ! And so the Beggar grew to Love Josephine; much as a member of AA Loves our Alizee ! And he liked Napoleon, because Napoleon never gainsayed her for doing it !
Now in the course of time; the Revolution happened; and the Beggar, because he could read and write, was promoted from the streets into a scribe of the Directory and ended up working for Robespierre and the "Committee of Public Safety" ! And our poor Josephine; even though she was an ordinary Girl, was accounted a Noble, so she was thrown into the Prisons of the Directory ! And our Napoleon; because he had refused to fire on the people of Paris, because they were still rioting for food, was charged with Treason also and thrown into the Prisons of the Directory !
Now it happened one day that the order to Guillotine Josephine Beauharnais came through, because she was a Noble. But the Beggar remembered her name; and because he loved her, he put her order in his roast beef sandwich and ate it for lunch ! And then, too, the order came through to Guillotine the officer Napoleon Bonaparte for Treason. But the Beggar remembered his name and so he ate Napoleon's order in his roast beef sandwich , also.. and so our Josephine and Napoleon were never Guillotined !
But then Robespierre fell; because everyone was afraid of being Guillotined. And so all the people were let loose from the Prisons, because they were thought to be wrongly accused ! The Noble Beauharnois, though was Guillotined, because he never cared about the people ! And so Josephine was a widow; and Napoleon had grown to love her also ; so he married her and she became Josephine Bonaparte ! as for the Beggar; he slipped out the back door and became a Beggar again !
Now Napoleon; perhaps because he came so close to death; worked his way into the government and Became First Consul of the French Republic and Josephine was the wife of the First Consul ! And later; after his epiphany, leading the charge of the French soldiers across the bridge at Lodi; thought that he might advance himself further. And so he had himself Crowned Napoleon I, Emperor of the French by the Pope. And our Josephine thereby became Empress of the French ! But our Josephine was still the nice Girl/Woman like our Alizee; so she always tried to see that the people had food !
And as our Judi Dench ( made a Dame by Queen Elizabeth ) at the end of the movie "Chronicles of Riddick" says "Now What Would be the odds of that ? " That Napoleon would end up Emperor and Josephine Empress of the French !
Judi Dench; you might recall, sometimes plays "M' in some of the bond movies !