A telephone call all say never took place

FanDeAliFee · #1 08-31-2010, 12:31 PM

A. Hello.

M. Hello, I got the new CD you sent and listened to it.

A. It is good to hear from you. Well, what did you think?

M. There are so many types of songs on it. I have different
reactions to each of them. Let's start at the beginning.
Romeo and Juliet is a theme with so much potential,
however old it is. And who could ask for a better
story, with so many young people dead at the end!

A. I hope you don't mind me borrowing so much imagery.

M. Well, I might have used the word mangling instead of borrowing.
The fight scene in the video was interesting. But the women
looked like mannequins. Where was the blood?

A. The fight was symbolic. I am not as fond of body
fluids as are you. Besides, I thought you liked dolls!

M. I do. But nothing can take the place of a real dead
human body.

A. You seem to be missing the entire point of my video!
I do not want to revel in the horror of the violence. It
is stupid to die, especially when you are young, healthy.
rich and in love! Why should anyone die for some vain,
ancient vendetta between two families who are so alike?
It seems that someone like you would want to play even
more cruel tricks on poor Juliette than William!

M. I would so want. And more to the point, I would deliver
instead of remaking Girls Just Want To Have Fun!

A. I doubt you would find such amusement in violence if
your own family had its roots in Corsica. Did you at
least find more merit in any of the other songs?

M. Well, I must admit that the lullaby-spirit of L'effet
was very evocative.

A. Really?

M. Yes, it reminded me of so many dead baby jokes.
Would you like to hear some of them?

A. No, I don't think so, thank you. What did you think
about, say, Lillytown?

M. I must admit that it was like spending a very long
day at Euro-Disney - incredibly boring! Would it have
hurt to put some sex into it? For example, surely
all the little men in the forest might be a bit antsy
by now without any women to keep them company.

A. Actually, if you had listened more carefully, you
would have noticed the allusion to Paris Hilton.
You know how she became famous.

M. I did notice it. But I also noticed there was no
action. It is true what they say - you are nothing
but a tease! Would it have hurt to plunge a long
vegetable down Miss Hilton's throat? I thought you
would have known enough by now to think of that.

A. There is more to life than sex. But if you chose
to shove something into your mouth and leave it
there a long time, I would not protest.

M. I am just trying to be helpful. Don't get short
with me. Oh, I apologize. I forgot that is your
natural height.

A. I am proud of my height.

M. Could I at least ask why there were no cages or
prisons in any of the videos associated with the
album?

A. I will never again agree to work inside a glass
tank full of freezing water and pretend to be a
goldfish! My knees hurt all over again just thinking
about it!

M. But you must admit that when you are on your
knees interesting new possibilities open up for the use
of your mouth!

A. Yes, you can pray for deliverance from people for
whom you no longer work!

M, If I was not fair, would I have sold you commercial
use of your name back for one Euro? I would never
charge anyone more for something than it was worth
without me behind it.

A. Speaking of names, yesterday someone who listens
to a lot of Jay-Z asked me if I ever noticed that
the acronym M.F. also stands for Mother-Fucker.
In all honesty, I had to confess I had lost count of
how very many times I had.

M. You have to be tough in our business if you want
to succeed.

A. I imagine the somber spirit of IIdéaliser appealed
to someone of your disposition more than many of the
other tunes.

M. Art must rise above the ordinary. Today. half of
France spends its weekends alone on the floor with
a bottle lamenting lost dreams and crushed aspirations.
A song about such things is not tragedy, it is simple
banality.

A. Well then, what would you have me do instead?

M. Frankly, I think you should start singing about your
private parts again.

A. Oh, no. Not again!

M. It does not have to be vulgar. A word here or there
starting with "col," maybe mention of fluid expulsions.
Would it be so bad to put a cherry between your teeth
and then pop it?

A. You know I am a mother now. I am no longer a teenager.

M. Yes, I know. But mothers cannot be song divas - at least
not without "wardrobe malfunctions" - ask Britney! The
last exception was The Mamas and The Papas, and now
we are sometimes told that it only worked because one
of the Papas was allegedly having sex with his daughter!

A. My family is NOTHING like that! That is not for me.

M. Listen to me. If you want to succeed you have to make
changes. It is bad enough you have a husband and child
you love and a happy family life. Do you have to shamelessly
parade those things in your albums? No more husbands in the
song credits and no more children in the song lyrics! From now
on, you are an unencumbered, available, single female. Understand?

A. Ok, I can make some sacrifices for the sake of the market.

M. Good. Men may be the bigger and more brutish sex, but we
know that women are the tougher sex. Get yourself a new
tattoo consisting of your husband's name. Then, when you
surprise him with it, you can also explain the commercial
imperative of the image changes.

A. Yes, I think that would be a good idea. Besides, one can
always use a nom de plume to write songs.

M. You have always wanted to be like Tinker Bell. But I tell
you, you must instead be like Peter Pan! Yes, he gets
older, as we all do, but he never grows up. If you are
really serious about succeeding, you must get your
hymen surgically reconstructed. If we were still in
business together, my publicity machine would know
exactly how to "leak" such a "private" secret for the
maximum effect. It would electrify the nation!
People would speak of nothing else for a month.

A. I would NEVER do such a crazy thing! Where do you get all
these strange ideas? Thank you for reminding me why we
parted ways! I was starting to forget.

M. Do it your way then! But don't blame me for the consequences.

A. I am quite willing to make changes - just not insane ones!
I will start wearing my hair with long bangs, the way I did
when I won the Air Outre-Mer contest at age 11. That will
make me look much more girlish. And while I surely won't go
under the knife, perhaps I can do a magazine cover where I
reprise the cover photo of Madonna's Like A Virgin album.

M. I suppose that is better than nothing. But you are right
about something else. There is much more to life than
sex! The most important things are suffering and death -
especially if they are unjust, pointless, premature or
even all of the above!

A. Well, after the experience of this album, I must say I
am a little weary of having to smile when I sing.

M. Good! And no more grab-bag albums. Your next one must
be a concept album, obsessively focused on the life of
a single, tragic figure who is doomed, doomed, doomed!
You are a smart woman. Otherwise, I would never have
hired you in the first place. You fill in the details.

A. Well, the loose thread of 50/60 might be the way forward.
It provides someone who starts out rich, famous and
glamorous and ends up destitute, disgusting and forgotten.

M. Very good. What else?

A. She is betrayed by the man she thought was her best friend.

M. Wonderful. And?

A. She goes mad, becomes a drug abuser and lands up dead at
a very young age.

M. That could be a spectacular album. It could sell millions
of copies. I think you are on the right track at long last!

A. I hope you are right. It is hard to find many people in
Latin America with as much money for show tickets as those
who live in France.

M. I must go now. I am glad we could at least part in amity.

A. One question before you leave, please.

M. Yes?

A. Was this a real telephone conversation, or did I just
imagine it all in my head?

M. Does that really matter?