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#1
10-27-2008, 05:33 PM
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The Crusade, Chapter One is out
Sorry I took so long everyone, but i wrote more than i expected myself to, nearly fourty whole pages in chapter one alone, then i realized it was too much, so i split it into about four chapters. After that, i was trying to figure out ways in which to post, because i couldnt post it as a thread, i realized i might be doing many of these, and dont want to spam the forums with it. And someone mentioned pbwiki to me while in chatroom, so i checked it out and i took about two days editing the story and trying to find ways to archive these tales on pbwiki, finally i gave up and decided to make each a seperate page. To further my release....i have been busy with schoolwork, but finally i'm glad to say ive given this my best and here is the result:
http://lillycrusadechapterone.pbwiki.com/FrontPage Edit:And here is the prologue: http://lillyscrusade.pbwiki.com/ i will be posting the next four chapters one week from each other so i can work ahead of time now. Last edited by MonteCristo; 10-27-2008 at 05:36 PM.. 
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#2
10-27-2008, 08:09 PM
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Bump! Everyone should read!
Concept art coming soon!
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"I will write Peace on your wings, and you will fly all over the world."
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#3
10-27-2008, 09:02 PM
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oooooooooooooooo new chapter
excited to read
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#5
10-27-2008, 10:05 PM
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Chapter 2 is to be written after this thread has been conceived.
In other words, no, MonteCristo has not written it yet, or he has and thus has not released it yet. Anyways, bump! With concept art! Youps  Tomtentp  Balasaur  Ardol in the Kingdom of Good 
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"I will write Peace on your wings, and you will fly all over the world."
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#6
10-27-2008, 10:11 PM
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i decided to post it next week, i have two and three ready to go up, i decided to merge three and four together, its only about twenty pages or so
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#7
10-27-2008, 10:31 PM
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^^ very nice Barrett and keep up the work MonteCristo
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#8
10-27-2008, 10:37 PM
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I thought it was really good. I cant wait to see If my character made it into the story.
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 The second angel poured his bowl into the sea,and it became like the blood of a dead man. -APOCALYPSE
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#9
10-28-2008, 02:22 AM
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I thought it was a great first chapter. I really like what you did for Balasaur, he seems as scary as he should be
 . You did a good job of displaying the power he possess and kind of fear his race invokes even though he is joining up for a noble cause. I also like the whole thing about him being cursed into a humanoid body. I like your drawing of him as well Barrett, it looks very cool, you did a good job on it. Good job overall I can't wait to see chapter 2.The only problems I had was the mention of the dragon they found doesn't make sense in the conversation between Youps and Nasis after he broke the table. They talk about losing money and Youps mentions its a good thing they found that dragon, why? It seems thrown in for no reason, just a suggestion. The other was at the start of that Nasis scene when Youps opens the door it says, "slamming the door open," slamming is not usually used when opening a door, just a suggestion to use another choice of words. In the fourth paragraph a typo, it should be Lilly's capture not captured. Just some things I noticed as I read, up to you if you want to change them.
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 ^ By the beautifully creative Amelie! Merci! 
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#10
10-28-2008, 08:11 AM
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Quote:
The dragon was mentioned because like all dragons in fairytales, this one accumulated a huge pile of trasure and gold on which it guards. Nasis and Youps killed this one in Feldinshire and added its treasure to there already vast amount of hereditary cash. I meant slamming the door open as in opening it so fast and hard that it slams against the wall For running into the dragon, i had wanted to include a text so i could explain why it was a good thing that they not only ran into it, but also slew it, but i couldnt see how such a text could fit into the current conversation or situation without distorting the current topic on the page
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We should translate it to other languages 
. But I cant find chapter 2?? Have you already wrote it?
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