Changed J'ai Pas Vingt Ans Lyrics

[MesGourmandises]

Hey guys,
I'm writing my own lyrics to JPVA because I despise the original lyrics. I'm not the best in french and was wondering if anyone could check for mistakes, as well as give your opinion on my lyrics if ya want.

I've got this so far: (These go along with the song's melody and rythm)

Je me réveille tôt
Et je pense tout à toi
C'est une ces journées
Quand je ne fais rien

Tout les idées de toi
Et tu es en ma tete
Tout ta beauté

Je ne sais où es-tu?
Aide-moi à trouver
Où est-ta cœur?

Temps de sortir de lit
Faire petit dejeuner
Je ne peux aller nulle part - parce que
n'est cette journée

CHORUS
Peut-etre demain
Ou le jour prochain
Mais pas aujourd'hui

[INDUSTRIAL]

I wake up early
I think of you, my goddess.
Your beauty nacre.
Your voice ethereal.


Venus appears before you,
surrounded with nimbus,
but nugatory in front of you.

Your beauty a paragon.
Votre beauté, pellucid yet abstruse,
makes me a pertinacious zealot.

Votre beauté, the greatest sin,
puts everyone to shame.
Your beauty, plenary,
too pristine to be contaminated


CHORUS
Perhaps tomorrow
Or the next day
But not today

[espire]

When words like "numbus," "nugatory," "pellucid," "abstruse," "pertinacious," and "plenary" appear in your translation, Industrial, you know that it's time to use a printed French dictionary rather than translation software

Originally Posted by MesGourmandises

Je me réveille tôt
Et je pense tout à toi
C'est une ces journées
Quand je ne fais rien

Tout les idées de toi
Et tu es en ma tete
Tout ta beauté

Je ne sais où es-tu?
Aide-moi à trouver
Où est-ta cœur?

Temps de sortir de lit
Faire petit dejeuner
Je ne peux aller nulle part - parce que
n'est cette journée

CHORUS
Peut-etre demain
Ou le jour prochain
Mais pas aujourd'hui

A loose translation for now:


I wake up early
And I think only of you
This is one of these days
When I do nothing

All these ideas of you
And you're in my head
All your beauty

Where are you?
Help me look
Where is your heart?

Time to get out of bed
Eat breakfast
I can't do the smallest bit because,
Not today.

Hook:
Maybe tomorrow
Or the day after
But not today.


MesGourmandises, this songwriting is not bad. However, you've made a number of French grammatical errors; If you'd like me to point them out individually, let me know and I'll be happy to do so.

[INDUSTRIAL]

Originally Posted by espire

When words like "numbus," "nugatory," "pellucid," "abstruse," "pertinacious," and "plenary" appear in your translation, Industrial, you know that it's time to use a printed French dictionary rather than translation software



A loose translation for now:


I wake up early
And I think only of you
This is one of these days
When I do nothing

All these ideas of you
And you're in my head
All your beauty

Where are you?
Help me look
Where is your heart?

Time to get out of bed
Eat breakfast
I can't do the smallest bit because,
Not today.

Hook:
Maybe tomorrow
Or the day after
But not today.


MesGourmandises, this songwriting is not bad. However, you've made a number of French grammatical errors; If you'd like me to point them out individually, let me know and I'll be happy to do so.

I did not use French translator
I just totally recasted them
I can speak French, though not good.
I said I changed it.

[espire]

Well, you certainly used some unusual words

(after a short, unrecorded conversation)

Ah, a slight misunderstanding. I take back what I said

[WyomingGrizFan]

"Numbus, nagatory, pellucid, abstruse, pertinacious, plenary?" This sounds like something Maynard G. Krebs would come up with as a poetry reader banging on his bongos in some coffee shop back in the fifties. Greenwich village? Television's first beatnik I might add.

Well, you never know;...."return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear....A fiery horse with the speed of light, a cloud of dust and a hearty Hi-Yo Silver....Hi-Yo Silver away!!" (to the strands of the William Tell Overture).

[INDUSTRIAL]

Originally Posted by WyomingGrizFan

"Numbus, nagatory, pellucid, abstruse, pertinacious, plenary?" This sounds like something Maynard G. Krebs would come up with as a poetry reader banging on his bongos in some coffee shop back in the fifties. Greenwich village? Television's first beatnik I might add.

Well, you never know;...."return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear....A fiery horse with the speed of light, a cloud of dust and a hearty Hi-Yo Silver....Hi-Yo Silver away!!" (to the strands of the William Tell Overture).

Sorry I do not know who M.G. Krebs is and Greenwich village. I do not get what you are trying to say.

[MesGourmandises]

Thanks Espire, could you please tell me the grammatical errors??

[WyomingGrizFan]

Originally Posted by INDUSTRIAL

Sorry I do not know who M.G. Krebs is and Greenwich village. I do not get what you are trying to say.

This might help the cause, so to speak:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maynard_G._Krebs

And this delivers a rather interesting parallel to what I was reminded of, and posted a reaction as unto what was previously entered on this thread:

http://steveglines.blogspot.com/2007...go-poetry.html

I know this may be somewhat before your time, but as it's been said before,.."in a civilized State, the ignorant listen to the knowledgeable." Sorry for any confusion. Google.com is available. Is it not?

Carry on.